Two Weeks To Go...

Our adventure, as it pertains to Kenya, is ending two weeks from today. Right now, we are very confused as to what we think, albeit we know that it is truly bittersweet. There are things we know we are going to miss; there are things we could give a crap about…period. I hope that there are things that we miss more so than we do not give a crap about as we really think we would like to return one day. In the past I have written about things that are really cool here, almost like I am some sort of travel agent trying to sell you on the idea of moving here. I will convey the cool things, for sure. However I am also going to try and convey the darker side of things too.

As I type this, I am sitting at a Dormans coffee shop located in a small shopping mall called “Junction”. It is like all malls in Nairobi, anchored by large supermarkets (Nakumatt’s usually) instead of Sears, J.C. Pennys, Dillards, Nordtroms, etc, etc… like in the States. It has a lot of the same conveniences that are at malls in the states. It also has the pretty much the exact same thing one can find at any mall located in Nairobi (that I have been to). As stated earlier, there is a supermarket, there is also a Chemist (drug store), Optic Store, Health Food Store, Cinemas, Dormans, Java House, a bunch of funky, WAY overpriced clothes boutiques, tourist-trap knick-knack stores, etc, etc, etc… I don’t really frequent shopping malls in the States, so I cannot say if they are the exact same everywhere one goes, but I would assume that if you went to one almost every single freaking day…because there is nothing else better to do, there is no electricity, running water, and everything in the fridge has now defrosted, frozen, defrosted, frozen God only knows how many times…it starts to suck. We have not lived here long enough to be truly “locals” but have definitely been here long enough to get past tourist status. Once the cool-factor has worn off, one really needs something to do, i.e. work, in order to enjoy a place. Unfortunately, we are beyond that now…

Our two-bedroom place we have been renting took a little bit to get used to. It is VERY small…maybe 500 sq/ft and is basically revamped servant’s quarters really. It is located in a rather safe location in Karen (which is nice) and has great landlords….other than that it SUCKS! Now I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that this is Americans trying to compare living in the States to Kenya…so be it. We rented our house “furnished” which includes furniture. The beds that came with the house, I am sure, were purchased from Marquis de Saud House of Pain. First off, the bed is like rock candy….shiny and pretty with a frame out of Mahogany. The fact that it is too short for even a 5’9” person like me to stretch out fully is frightening and it is a double that makes it difficult for my wife and I to both sleep. I understand why this is so, any bed bigger would not fit in the Master Bedroom! The major design flaw however; there is no provision for a box-spring mattress either. Instead, we have a four inch thick foam mattress. This was bearable prior to my wife getting here…barely, as I could lay diagonal and not have my toes bent. Now that the mattress has broken down to the point it takes hours to inflate back to four-inch thickness but mere seconds to compress flat against the boards underneath…my back has never hurt me in my life…now I pray I can hang in there until I get back to the States and my good old King size bed with box springs, AND a double-thick mattress with kick-ass pillow-top! This is not something one thinks about prior to relocating…will “average” rooms accommodate normal sized beds…and what the hell are the mattresses made of? I mean, I assumed from my past experiences that they would not be made out of banana leaves…or camel dung….what we have is barely better. Our couches…our dog will barely lay on…bear in mind this is a dog that likes to lie on concrete! One of the priorities I put in life is quality of sleep and relaxation. I normally only sleep maybe 5-6 hours a night on average so I need them to be relatively high-quality to remain normal; define normal, I know… Not having a couch to resort to sucks even worse. Whoever built this thing, in their infinite wisdom, thought it appropriate to place dividers between the sections made of plywood that conveniently jab one in the side if they try to lie down…and the couch is not really long enough to allow me to lay lengthwise across it. My wife, who is barely 5 foot, cannot really even lay down on it. Bring on the sectionals we have in storage!!! Especially the one with built-in recliners at each end…I’m coming home baby!

Being kept in the loop…that is something that is bittersweet too. Prior to my departure, I `was definitely a Fox News junky…First there was Sheperd, then Neil, followed by Glenn, Shep, Bill, and then Sean. Every day it played during the day in the background. While I was working or doing whatever, I kept an ear out to keep up on what was going on in my country. Here in Kenya, folks seem to be pretty in tune to the happenings going on in their country. However, unlike here in the States, they do not act like blind sheep falling on grenades and selling their souls to support a stupid ideal. Here, they are informed and have their own opinions, not what the newspapers or television tells them to have…actually unique opinions. It is quite refreshing compared to the sissies in the United States blindly following that loser who runs with Pelosi, Reid, Reed, and Frank…it is so pathetic and appalling…I do not even understand it. Keeping up with the happenings in the States is tough here. Internet is too expensive to really utilize to watch news clips and the news here is either biased European crap or worse, Al Jazeera… Obviously, if you are interested in Kenyan politics and news, this is a great place…however predicting that government officials will be stealing from the public, poor people will starve and die…will be the news of the day in various flavors for the next four or five years. I am ready for different story lines, stories that challenge my imagination as the “Anointed One” has his popularity numbers plummet like Isaac Newton testing it against gravity.

FM Radio…sure, I am probably the only person on planet Earth that does not own an iPod. Fortunately, I have always been pleased by what I can listen to on the radio. During weekdays, I was used to listening to AM Talk Radio, something that one cannot find here in any fashion. There is definitely talk radio, but most all of it is in Kiswahili or talks about crap I have zero interest in. Now granted, I would rather listen to Kiswahili than the crap Air America plays or anything that our Liberal government wants us to listen to if they should pass “Alinsky Jujitsu” in regards to the “fairness doctrine”. Look both of those up; if it does not scare you, you are stupid. I also really miss the strong FM radio selection that we have in the United States. Here, there are 20 different rap stations playing the same 20 songs….over and over and over and over…. There is one rock station that plays a decent selection…great on Sunday mornings and very late at night but random and off-beat the rest of the day. I miss Classic Rock stations, real Rock stations, and generally being able to find something awesome to listen to almost any time….anywhere.

I have talked about the food quite a bit before. Always mentioning the really great fruits, vegetables and chicken that is available here. True, I have never lived anywhere that this great a fruit selection existed…but I am not a primate, I require real meat to be happy and healthy. There is only so much chicken that I can really eat before I am pretty much guaranteed to not eat it ever again…and I am rapidly reaching that point. They call chicken “kuu kuu” (like cookoo clock) and it is about to drive my wife and I both “kuu kuu”. They do have beef here, but as I have said previously, it would make people think eating beef is a very bad idea. Can you imagine? Not being able to get a decent hamburger ANYWHERE! Even steaks suck here. Matter of fact, imagine your school cafeteria getting a hold of some poor cuts of steak, then trying to prepare them and serve to kids…by probably baking them or something. That is what a steak is like here. Now I will pat myself on the back, I am a master at grilling steaks on a charcoal weber grill. Matter of fact, with good steaks, I will put mine up against Three Forks, Ruths Chris, Shulas…and I can flat blow away a place like Outback. I do not care how good one is with a grill, the quality of meat here will prevent one from creating anything worthy of even a “sizzler” experience… All one really needs to do is look at the quality of the cattle here. Most of them can be seen herded along various roads near where I live…stopping traffic as they meander from ditch to ditch looking for their next meal…eating ditch-weed. You can see each and every bone in their bodies…in the States folks would call the SPCA on the herders for cruelty to animals. There are no facilities for great cows, so no great beef. Full tenderloins weigh less than 2.2 pounds…probably closer to Nine pounds in the US. This is even true of “free range” “Happy Cow” Organic beef…excellent grains and grasses fed to these beautiful animals instead of various weeds than can be found in ditches… Score one for American Ranchers and Farmers, for sure! So, to that end, my first meal is going to be a hamburger from Kincaids…probably the best burger out money can buy. After that, I am going to purchase a killer, Prime KC Strip or Bone-In Ribeye and grill it a perfect Rare to Medium-Rare and enjoy 18-20 Ounces of pure heaven…

Water…everyone knows that it is a life-source and something humans cannot live without. Having to deal with it here is something entirely different. When we were here the last time, it was a bit different. Most importantly, there was not a severe water shortage. As mentioned previously, the water shortage has led to an electrical shortage (hydroelectric generators…only…yet another good example for Obama and his cronies to visit). Not just an electrical shortage, but shortages where folks do not have running water in their houses… Folks who rely on wells find out that the increased demand has drained wells that have been “full” for a century… Not just the availability, but what is available one cannot drink. One can, but as mentioned earlier it is a deal with the devil in regards to getting hard-core diarrhea or possibly worse… There could be a real fear of Cholera in parts of Kenya due to nasty water being the only water. Imagine being thirsty and the only thing wet is the sewage ditch leaving your town…or dead livestock laying everywhere because of no water! Not only am I looking to taking a long, hot shower...not only am I looking forward to being able to “drink the water”….not only am I looking forward to having hot water on-tap….not only am I looking forward to being morbidly afraid of being killed by a water delivery truck…but most importantly what I am looking forward to is having ice in my drinks once again. Can the average American consider, for a minute, what it is like to not have ice in a soda or water or tea?

The final thing I am really looking forward to is familiarity. Something that has been lost for the past four months…something that I didn’t think I would ever be thankful for. However, when I need to go find AA batteries, car parts, groceries, medicines, butt paste, or even where I can go for a walk without fear of being mugged or hit by a crazy KC in their Land Rover. There is no doubt that I have enjoyed the Kenyan experience, am a better person for it, and will miss many, many things sorely. I truly wish things had worked out a bit better for us…and there is a very good chance that we shall someday return…this place has gotten into our blood. We still love the people, the lifestyle, and the culture…there are things that we are going to find out we miss and love once we arrive back in Texas. Truly there is no Utopian society, albeit all have their plusses and minuses. Which one best fits one…well, it’s kinda like shoes, one has gotta try on quite a few and walk a lotta miles in em to figure out what are the favorite, most comfortable pair ever. Kenya is definitely like a comfortable pair of shoes. Fortunately, we have a comfortable pair back home too.