Returning to the States...so a Top 10 List?

Ok, I cannot tell you how nice it is to be sitting the club lounge here at Heathrow…back in “civilization” again. Food I recognize, climate control (forgot what air conditioning felt like), and generally feeling like we are back in the 21st century again. What a treat it is to have TRUE high-speed internet again…wow. I am happy with it, even thought I HATE London Heathrow Airport. Security SUCKS, there are LONG walks everywhere…definitely not kid friendly…and I am still pissed about how the treated my wife a few months back. I can overlook that for the conveniences for the time being….

With us leaving and I am sure that I am forgetting a lot, I wanted to include a “Top Ten List” of things I will NOT miss about living in Kenya…..

10: MOSQUITO CONTROL

Sure, there are mosquito’s everywhere…especially in Texas! Matter of fact, there are some times I would think it was the State Bird, not a pesky insect that itches. Here, they are really tiny but pack a big punch! The guidebooks and medical folks will all tell you that one needs not to worry about mosquito’s in Nairobi, mostly because the elevation is between 5500-6000 feet. Talk to any Niarobian and you will find they have ALL had malaraia at least once…usually a few times more. Folks we know have had family members die from malaria…and these folks got it HERE IN NAIROBI! So, maybe the guidebooks are full of crap? I don’t know, but especially when you have an infant in your care, you really have to step-up the care. Every night…come hell or high water…we plug in the VAPE’s and install the chips. VAPE’s are very small appliances that have heated elements on top and a slot that allows a wooden chip to be slid directly on to the element. These wooden chips are soaked in some kind of mosquito killer and they appear to work decently enough. We have two of them, one for our daughter’s room and one for our bedroom. It works great in our daughter’s bedroom as the door remains shut…our room, not so much.

Invariable one hears the “buzzzzzzzzzzwheeezzzzzzz” at around 3:30am and gets up. It SUCKS not having proper screens here…really ANY screens for that matter. Our daughter has a mosquito net that she sleeps under, which is a must for an infant…in my humble opinion. The wife and I have learned to sleep in long-sleeve shirts, long pants…and DO NOT LET ONE’S FEET HANG OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE COVERS!!! My toes are chewed beyond recognition…one day I will learn this. Additionally, I have started a new form of “artwork” in our small rental home. Trying to see exactly how many different splat-marks I can get on any one surface…ceilings, walls, you name it. On average, I probably kill 10 mosquito’s a day in our home. There is a virtual cloud outside…I am very proud that our daughter has yet to be bitten.

The final thing to add to the list…I will not miss the smell of DOOM. Doom is the local bug-killer spray and it smells like a combination of Raid and inner-tubes. Supposedly it is something you can spray inside and not bother ya, but in an almost 500 sq/ft house…a mouse could fart and it would stop your breath…much less Doom.

9: DUST…EVERYWHERE

We have our house cleaned six days a week. Each day, our house is swept, dusted, furniture wiped, counters and walls wiped, then the floors wet-mopped…and there is still dust every freaking where. The dirt in this part of Kenya is very, very fine…makes sand seem like boulders. Add to that the windows do not seal properly and if one wants any kind of air-movement, the windows have to be opened sans-screens. Tennis shoes need to be washed weekly to remotely resemble anything other than reddish-brown hues, our daughter’s pajamas are almost permanently brown at the knees and feet, and when you wear sandals your feet turn a funny color almost immediately. Socks are stained reddish-brown around the ankles and one can almost taste it. Go to any restaurant, anywhere in the city and take a wet-wipe to the table and I guarantee it will come away brown…makes you wonder?
Of real concern, electrical components suck the crap in like no tomorrow. The netbook I am using for this blog REALLY needs the dirt unloaded out of it soon lest corn start growing out the vents. It definitely shortens the lifespan of anything electronic, especially anything that has a cooling fan cycling air through it.

8: NO HIGHSPEED INTERNET

Kenya is one of the most well connected countries on the continent…other than South Africa. Seems like that is a mantra here…”We are almost as good as South Africa!” Most anywhere you go, you can get internet access. They have wireless networks that span the city (for a fee). Most every mall, coffee shop, cyber café, etc… has “high-speed” internet access available either for free assuming you buy something from them or for a small fee. Funny that they call it “High Speed”! IF this is high-speed, then I assume the regular-speed internet is a bunch of monkeys pushing zero and one buttons, sending them one at a time, back and forth between ones computer and the outside world…
The best I have been able to find is a 3G dongle available from one of the local cell phone service providers, SafariCom. 3G is blazingly fast in the States and I was excited to have it available here prior to my arrival…then I got here. It is somewhat expensive…but what convenience isn’t in Kenya? If one wants to actually “Use” the net, it is VERY expensive. Sticking to mostly just emails (assuming folks would quit sending 1MB + files), a few low-res websites, and an occasional web search…one can get by at “close” to the cost in the States…but service is spotty, speed is really variable, and there does not seem to be a way to network the modem. That is the part that REALLY SUCKS! Only one person can use it at a time which means that our only means of entertainment and contact with the outside world has to be shared. If my wife and I had not watched Sesame Street growing up, I am sure there would have been a blood-bath by now.

Finally, I bought a new netbook, purchased an upgraded version of Skype with local number, a VPN (a tunnel that makes it look like my internet connection is in the United States) all so that we could communicate with Grandma’s and others back in the States utilizing the really-cool video conferencing feature and also unlimited local calls to the States. Both sets of Grandparents got new netbooks so that they could also easily utilize the features and we spent considerable amount of time getting it all setup prior to our departure. What a kick in the butt to find out speeds are not fast enough here to really use it and it is too costly, regardless…at least the phone works well…

7: POWER RATIONING/POWER IN GENERAL

When I first arrived in Kenya, I had a hard time learning how to deal with the power outages that were almost common where I was initially staying. Coming from the States, it was a shock to learn how to operate without it. Imagine at around 4:00pm the power goes out and probably does not come back on until 2:00 or 3:00am…just try to imagine it. Not just the entertainment…how do you cook? You can’t go out after dark to get food…you have to be careful about the refrigerator being opened too much… It gets dark at around 6:30pm every night, so you are operating by candles and flash lights…there would be looting and rioting in the streets of the U.S.A. if this were to happen. Now imagine your car is out of gas…and the gas station can’t pump gas because of no electricity. The “Pain in the Ass” list is endless…yet the locals here take it all in stride. Electricity is a luxury, not a necessity…something I will NEVER get used to. Hearing the neighbor’s high-dollar electrical generator kick on each night gave me serious bad-thoughts…

Then, shortly after my wife arrives here in Kenya amidst all the adversity…the government decides to start “Power Rationing” the next morning after their arrival! THAT was special! Not only did they start it, but the screwed up our area and had our electricity shut down 6 days a week instead of the prescribed 3 days a week for the first two weeks. Finally getting past that, our power is now shut off at 6:00am every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. It usually turns back on around 6:00pm. I am sure that does not sound like it is much of a big deal…and it wouldn’t be if we were working…or had something to freaking do. Because we don’t, we sit around the house and stare at each other (it seems) until the power comes back on. It gets really expensive as each “dark ages” day we have, we try to go to a mall, eat out, and generally keep ourselves from going mad. Again, electricity is a luxury…but this writer believes it is one luxury that is borderline necessity. Think no electric coffee maker, no microwave, no hair dryer, no radio, no tv, no light, no internet, no charging cell phone, no refrigerator, no water, no electric stove, no electric oven, wiping your butt in pitch blackness…sure that is a sweet picture for ya.

The really sad thing is the rationing could have probably been prevented if not for the corruption and stupidity of the Kenyan government. They have allowed…almost encouraged the destructing of a huge forest that acts as the single largest watershed in Kenya. This is large enough that it also affects rain patterns too. It is truly sad that it seems Northern Kenya (and maybe the entire country) may slowly become part of the Sahara Desert if they are not careful

6: FUNNY MONEY

Surviving on Monopoly Money for almost four months is tough. I know it does not make sense, but it seems that Kenyan Shillings (KES) do not really have any intrinsic value. Actually, 77.53 KES seem to be worth about a dollar…kinda like Rain Man, “..what’s that worth? Oh…about a dollar.” Now, go to the grocery store and buy things that range between 20 KES and 3450 KES, or 300 KES per 100 Grams… Go to the Foreign Exchange Bureau (Forex) located at any mall, change in $100 USD and feel RICH getting 7530 KES in exchange… An average dinner costs between KES1300-2200, and a coffee is approximately KES280, 40 diapers are KES 1680, jar of baby food is KES 195, a liter of fuel is KES 80, liter of water is KES 120, and 500 ml of soda is KES 70. A 32” LCD TV is KES 47,995 and butt paste for our daughter is KES 1070 for 500ml. Cell phone time comes in increments of between KES 100 to KES 1000, and variable how long it lasts depending on text messages vs. phone calls and which network they are made to. All of this adds up to a humongous pain in the ass to keep track of how many U.S. Dollars one still has in the account. Sure, the locals probably are reading this and thinking, “…what? Oh, and KES 1000 is about $13…

5: SECURITY CONCERNS AND SCREW WHITEY!

I am really, really looking forward to being able to go about anywhere, at anytime, and not worry about either being mugged, carjacked, or even screwed because I am white. Sounds kind of selfish, I know…but I am comfortable with making that statement.

Never before in my life have I worried about going out at night. Of course, I also did not go to less-than-desirable neighborhoods. Too bad all of “Nairobbery” is a pretty crappy area once night falls. Knowing certain areas and certain roads are really prone to carjacking is one thing…but there is a percentage chance anywhere that it might happen after 8:00pm or so sucks. In some areas one has to really worry about pick pockets, thieves on the roads breaking into your car as you drive in traffic and most importantly…ONLY THE BAD GUYS CARRY GUNS!!!! I like the fact that, in Texas, if someone tries to rob my house or myself, I can blow their F’ing head off. I like the deterrent of having a gun I can use in case of emergency. Kenya is a PERFECT example of why our 2nd Amendment rights are so very important. When only the criminals carry guns and can act with impunity as there is no fear of retribution…your city gets called “Nairobbery” instead of “Nairobi”. Can you tree-hugging pansy’s get this through your pointy little heads? Seriously?

I am also looking forward to “one price” at all stores. When a white guy/Mzungu/Cracker/Whatever walks into some places…even National Parks…they can expect to immediately pay a higher price. Walk into any pharmacy and all prices are negotiable…they will charge whitey much more than local Kenyan. I can understand why they treat Mzungu poorly and prefer to provide service to locals prior to Mzungu…I can deal with it. However, having to figure out what the Cracker Price List is prior to buying anything or going anywhere sucks ass. Can you imagine if, in the United States, someone charged an African American person more…because they were black and they could? Dear God…I cannot even imagine…Jesse Jackass and his merry henchmen would be crawling out of the woodwork.

4: NASTY WATER

Montezuma’s revenge is not just in Mexico anymore…when there is water due to shortages. Cattle dying in the streets, nasty diseases… But most of all, DEAD RATS IN THE WATER SUPPLY!!!!!!! Enough said.

3: WHERE’S THE BEEF?

As has been documented, many times, on this blog…I will not miss the crap they use as an excuse for beef. The Texas Cattle Growers Association would sue if they knew they were calling it “beef”. All the rest of the food is pretty good and some of it WAY better than in the states… Potatoes are really different…a big one is the size of a golf ball…baked potatoes have a bit of a different effect here. Chicken, better; Indian food, better; Italian food, better; Hamburgers, taste like ass…

2: POLLUTION

I lived in Los Angeles during the Summer of 1994. While sitting on the 405 freeway in Long Beach, I thought I had experienced pollution at its finest. Actually, it was like fresh-air compared to parts of Nairobi! Big trucks belching black smoke…small trucks and cars belching black smoke too; it is amazing to see what no emissions standards can do. I am in no way, shape, or form giving the tree-hugging sissies in the States any credit…but I have a growing appreciation for the changes made in 1974. Just like L.A., there are mountains VERY close that one never really sees (or used to be that way in L.A.), eyes burn on the freeways, and we slowly got used to the fact that we had to address BBS (Black Booger Syndrome) upon reaching home each afternoon. Headaches and sinus problems have been paramount…and we thought that leaving the allergie-ridden middle of the United States would solve them? Nope. Pollution headaches are worse. Sure, a mediocre health care system, abject poverty, and lack of education probably are the key indicators of the shorter lifespan of a Kenyan compared to an American…but breathing in all this black crap cannot be helping…

1: DRIVING A LA KENYAN

At last, the thing I will miss the least…FREAKING MATATUS! All things that suck about driving in Kenya (almost) can be attributed to these stupid things. Kenyans all seem to accept that these buses-of-death have an unalienable right to drive like buttholes. They can cut anyone off, regardless if they are clipping along at 100 Km per hour or if traffic has been standing still. They can drive on the sidewalks, swerve any direction without notice…I guarantee if one let loose about 20 of them in the States…they would all be shot dead within the hour.

Traffic, albeit chaotic, seems to work for Kenyans though. Slowly, I have learned that if I want to cross a busy street, I just plow right ahead and know that the oncoming cars “should” stop. With no rules and folks can still get to/from their destinations without thousands of deaths is beyond me. Add to this the worst roads on planet Earth…seriously, I think one could see some of these potholes from space…it is truly amazing in retrospect. Regardless, I am ready for the driving experience that is only available in the States…smooth roads, rules, and order. In a big-ass truck driving on the “Right” side of the road..A la Americana….

Peace,

Dude
FBO